Top 10 Announcements to Expect from HP CEO Leo Apotheker

It’s Thursday – time for another Top 10 list.

When we came up with the idea for this weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the tech world, we were afraid we’d have trouble keeping to topical subjects. Well, that hasn’t been a problem this week, as the movers and shakers of the tech world have given us enough ammunition to keep the Top 10 list going for months to come. However, one incident seemed to be particularly appropriate for us to put in the sites of our humor guns, and that was HP CEO Leo Apotheker’s wacky announcement last week that he was throwing out the baby with the wash to rebuild HP in IBM’s image, acting under the old adage that the best way to separate yourself from the crowd is to be like someone else.

This move was so brazenly weird that we decided we’re going to hear even more wild and crazy announcements from HP in the near future, so we put our brains into overtime figuring out what we might expect. Here it is, the top 10 announcements to expect from HP CEO Leo Apotheker…

10. “Now that we’re getting out of the consumer computer business, we’re going to be offering our remaining stock of desktops for $99 at Best Buy.”
9. “We’re now pursuing licensing WebOS to be used to power kitchen timers.”
8. “HP is aggressively seeking more companies to purchase for too much money and then shut down without monetizing their assets in any way.”
7. “HP will be suing Red Hat, SUSE and Ubuntu because we just discovered WebOS code in the Linux kernel.”
6. Holy cow! I was just informed that we’re the largest vendor of PCs in the world. I had no idea. If I’d known, I’d never would’ve abandoned our computer line. What was I thinking?”
5. “Having failed to interest the kitchen timer industry in the benefits of incorporating WebOS into their products, we are now pursuing licensing the software to control Christmas tree light displays.”
4. “Although none of our core businesses are still viable, I feel that HP can return to profitability by becoming a patent troll.”
3. “Since we’re getting out of the computer business, that orphans our printer business, so it will be discontinued. Genuine HP inkjet cartridges for five bucks at Best Buy.”
2. “We’re down to our last $538. Time to move back to the Palo Alto garage where we started and get back to our roots, making audio oscillators.”
1. “This morning the Board of Directors asked me to tender my resignation, which I have done.”

Well, that’s the top ten announcements to expect from HP CEO Leo Apotheker from our viewpoint. Perhaps you’ll have a reason or two of your own to post below…