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Top 10 Things to Call a Linux Distro from Microsoft

Gosh, how the time flies when you’re having fun! Here it is, Thursday again, time for another Top Ten list. By now, we fully expected that we’d have heard from David Letterman or his lawyers about this, but we’re beginning to suspect he doesn’t even know we’re here. Just in case, however, we’re keeping all of our legal answers ready.

This week, we wondering what we’d call a Linux distro from Microsoft…

  1. Seattle’s Best.
  2. Breakable Linux.
  3. The best thing Microsoft ever came up with.
  4. Open Windows.
  5. Something that will never happen.
  6. Closed open source.
  7. Steve Ballmer’s nightmare
  8. Blue Screen Linux.
  9. A distro we’ll never use.
  10. SUSE

Well, that’s the top ten things to call a Linux distro from our viewpoint. Perhaps you’ll have a reason or two of your own to post below…

27 comments to Top 10 Things to Call a Linux Distro from Microsoft

  • nice!

    That was really funny!

  • mike

    1. SUSE

    Ouch. That ones going to leave a mark.

  • nattydread

    Microsoft Linux. Plain and simple.

  • Stephen Green

    Oh come now you guys!
    Micro$oft can’t really help themselves.. The Redmond Raiders just don’t know any better. And besides just look at the ‘deal’
    they’re pulling off with SUSE ;-)

  • JustAnotherOpinion

    10) Pirate Linux
    9) Lindows
    8) Microsoft Works!
    7) OS X – Oops, not a Unix rip off
    6)Ballmer’s Cancer
    5) Expensive Linux
    4) All Your Linux are Belong to Us
    3) Panix
    2) Registry Linux
    1) Red Mond Linux

  • Dirtytricks

    Ubuntu. Millions of dollars pumped into it from guess who (trace the original source of the money and who controlled the payer) so Ubuntu controls as much revenue from Linux business as possible,compared to other companies which would be better citizens,contribute more upstream,etc.

    Pumping money into a “neutral” 3d party to do their dirty work for them is standard practice for the great monopoly,as they would run into legal problems otherwise,as well as not being as succesful judging by how people are ridiculing an officially sponsored distro.

    Examples of how they operated stealthily through 3d parties include their the financing of the sco lawsuit,the multiple-pronged attacks on Open Document (voting scandals,attacks on Quillin, bogus Open Document Foundation), patent attacks directed by ex-employees,mono,paid evangelism in press or on web.

  • John Wadd

    Crash Test Linux.

  • Steve

    @Dirtytricks:

    Are you saying that Microsoft bankrolled Ubuntu? I’d love to see evidence of that if you could share?

  • Dirtytricks

    Steve,I don’t have evidence that ms directly bankrolled ubuntu. But I am not saying that.I am saying that an ms distro would be cloaked in a friendly package.It is documented that Verisign paid 300 million for Shuttleworth’s Thawte Technologies,by some reports far in excess of its worth.Verisign is tied at the hip with MS,having just prior to that recived undisclosed investment amount from ms in 1996,and benefits from preferential status that forces consumer to buy from them.http://stackoverflow.com/questions/611472/winqual-why-would-wer-not-accept-code-signing-certificates

    I mean what sense would using a directly sponsored distro to fight free software be?You’d laugh at it like you did the suse collaboration.

    We know that MS has attacked free software with lawsuits,patent attacks,abuse of monopoly power over over pc vendors,standards manipulations,diversionary open software initiatives.But they can’t seem to snuff out free software like they would a company. The solution is to make sure that free software companies contribute as little free software as possible.Therefore they must have control of the dominant free software company.

    Now back to Canonical.They claimed externally their mission was to spread free software.But internally,their not-so-secret mission was to become dominant among Linux distros.Free software can’t work when proprietary standards rule like ms internet explorer tried to push.They failed largely because of Firefox support of open standards,financed by google.When Ubuntu tried to intercept this funding by striking their own deal with bing-powered yahoo,but had to retract due to backlash,that raised eyebrows,as did their seemingly contradictory (depending on what mission statement you believe) reluctance to contribute upstream to free software,and hostile contrib agrment.

  • Troy

    Winux
    Weenux
    PeeWeenux
    Winsux
    Bloatux

  • Lia

    OpenWindows is dead technology from Sun that has absolutely nothing to do with MS Windows. I still miss it. Interestingly enough, Ubuntu seems to be trying to reinvent OpenWindows-style scrollbars (and failing).

  • @Lia We didn’t realize that Sun had put out a product called OpenWindows. We just liked the pun.

  • AC

    1. SuSE – this made me laugh. :)

    /Too bad it’s so true.

  • mike

    @dirtytricks: mark shuttleworth sold to verisign, then went up into space, THEN decided to give back to the open source community for the help he had in starting the company he sold to verisign.
    So, AFTER selling to verisign, and AFTER going up into space, and AFTER talking to the debian community, THEN he started up Ubuntu of which there are the two flavours: completely free and open source, and completely free and open source and you can pay for support.
    Not sure where microsoft fits into this.

  • Quazar

    10- Micronux
    9- Linu$oft
    8- Linux VM.Lnx.M$
    7- Linux BSOD Server Edition 2012
    6- Linux Zune Free Edition
    5- Linux BOB Professional
    4- Linux ME Ultimate
    3- Linux Kin Basic Edition
    2- Linux 800 pounds Enterprise
    1- Hasta la Vista Linux

  • xutre

    > “We didn’t realize that Sun had put out a product called OpenWindows. We just liked the pun.”
    A Sun software engineer, now an Oracle Software Guru, also created LG3D, based on the Linux kernel (remind anyone of another, more recent OS?). That too, had awesome potential and some of the desktop effects have died with it. It’s cruel fate that garbage prospers over substance. I’m still laughing over the lunacy of putting MS’s latest pride-and-joy on a netbook.

  • @Quazar Great list! Linux ME Ultimate – there’s a scary thought. Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water:-)

  • @xutre I’m waiting to see what kind of specs a tablet will have to have to run Winders 8.

  • Quazar

    Yes, and there will be

    Linux Banana Flavor Edition
    Linux Mango Starter Edition
    Linux Longhorn Phone 8.0
    Linux 255 Patented Edition
    Linux XBux Game Edition
    Linux m$Tablet Edition

  • [...] Force Staff” (probably Christine) writes about “SUSE” in relation to the question “Things to Call a Linux Distro from [...]

  • g0rdog

    U-reboot-tu? …oops, already exists.

  • Dirtytricks

    Mike,I just explained that Microsoft had an undisclosed financial interest in Verisign, but anyway the point is that it doesn’t matter if Ubuntu is really working for MS, but if an MS controlled distro would want to be popular but non-competitive and would get paid by MS indirectly.

    There is a long long history of MS shenanigans,which involve 3d parties or front organizations like the BSA. I agree that this does not come close to being proof about Ubuntu. But, the objectives for an MS Linux distro would be:be as popular as possible without actually contributing to Linux’s ability to compete with MS.

    To be so big in the Linux space so as to leave little room for a true competitor who might threaten by e.g.beefing up the missing apps like a free competitor to Photoshop, challenging the big PC vendors in court to share counter space with Linux where a vendor offers support,challenging MS dominant presence in schools,financing open hardware graphics card projects.

    Ubuntu has spent many millions of dollars,which after all these years has accomplished not much easier to use or exciting distro than Knoppix or Mint Debian edition,but he has in that time managed to corner the Linux desktop and make it harder for would-be Linux companies like Mandriva and Linspire to compete (against a company with millions to spend and apparently no need to make a profit.)

    Actually a study of the history of MS abusive tactics shows the same pattern of pet maneuvers,e.g. EMBRACING the thing they are competing with to EXTEND it into something they control,SPENDING profits from PC monopoly to create a monopoly elsewhere by SUBSIDIZED BUSINESS MODEL,superficial FRIENDLY FACE as tool for effective evangelism,etc.

    Seriously,this is barely scratching the surface,but I see this was only intended as a fun article,so I will stop there!

  • IntelliActiveDirectLiveLinuxX Starter Edition 7 series (Service Pack 2)

  • Patrick

    I want to talk you for this list.
    I needed to laugh and it felt good after losing my home and now losing the rest of what I had left in my retirement funds.

    Long time systems administrator and linux supporter here. Linux will continue to grow just as the truth will always come out.

    Thank you for this wonderful laugh that I needed!

  • @Patrick Glad we at least gave you a good laugh. Sorry about your financial troubles – times aren’t good for any of us, and there doesn’t seem to be much hope on the horizon. Maybe you could use your admin skills to keep you going? In the meantime, stand tall and keep your head up!

  • joezen1

    @conspiracy-theorist: relax. when open source projects go wrong they can be forked. for non-developers living in fear, there are presently hundreds of active linux distros required to keep seperate repos, so short term is safe. i would cry if debian dissappeared, then id be on gnu hurd or linuxmint or if i was desperate, ubuntu. encourage others to develope and support new and existing open source linux projects to ensure a great future for all computing devices.