A few days ago, I was cleaning my desk in the lab and happened upon a printout of a fake distro called Chuck Norris Linux — more commonly known as CHUX — which casually mentions that “…if Chuck Norris wrote Linux, you couldn’t boot it, it would boot you.”
It reminded me of the yes-it-really-happened Hannah Montana Linux, based on Kubuntu, which to my knowledge is still in existence, at least on Github. Following the logic that if these two can exist, even though one is fake and the other real, I started thinking about other distros based on other cultural icons which would never (thank God) see the light of day. Like…
William Shatner Linux
Based on: Arch
Motto: “You. Need this. Operating. System.”
Recent release Names: Kirk, Denny Crane, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
William Shatner Linux has a propensity for staccato performance across the board on all hardware, and on older hardware it tries to kiss female aliens. If you’re not in that select demographic of users, though, you should be okay. As far as performance goes, many users suggest that the distro overperforms at times. Also many of those who are new users to WSL have reported a tendency for the distro not to post any Facebook or other social media posts by George Takei. Yet the flexibility of Arch cannot really help this distro, which is very stiff in whatever role it plays.
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Linux
Based on: Slackware
Recent Release Names: Royal Ugly Dudes, Rufus.
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Linux is just that — a good all-around distro which has stood the test of time, both past and future (trust me on this one). BTEL collects the historic best of Linux and presents it in a package that results in high marks across the board, as if it were a final exam presentation for, say, a history class given in a high school auditorium. The Royal Ugly Dudes release comes with a couple of hidden Iron Maiden tracks as an “Easter egg.”
Samuel L. Jackson Linux
Based on: Debian
Motto: “Linux, motherf***er, do you speak it?”
Recent release names: Mace Windu, Nick Fury.
In creating this distro, the lead developer was heard to scream, “I have had it with this motherf***ing Windows on this motherf***in’ computer.” And SLJL was born. But first things first — if you use Samuel L. Jackson Linux, change the default beep, unless a considerably loud and emphatic f-bomb is acceptable in your normal household or workplace conversation. SLJL is a very versatile distro which handles the most complicated tasks with relative ease. While the Mace Windu release provided much stability, some users have had considerable trouble using dual monitors with the Nick Fury release.
Based on: Linux Mint
Motto: “You Drive Us Wild, We’ll Drive You Crazy.”
Recent Release Names: Gene, Ace, Love Gun
No, it’s not “Keep It Simple, Stupid” Linux. The boys with the painted faces have stepped away from hard rock to join the digital revolution. If nothing else, this distro is loud; in fact it shouts it out loud. This freewheelin’ distro is for those who want to rock-n-roll all night, and party every day, whether you’re Dr. Love or Christine Sixteen. However, those using the Gene release have complained about two things: either fire or blood usually accompanies the ejection of the CD/DVD in the optical media slot.
Last, but certainly not least…
Grumpy Cat GNU/Linux
Based on: Trisquel
Recent Release Names: No, No, No.
When approached by this reporter for this story, the lead developer just responded with a one-word answer: No.