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Posts published in “Humor”

Top 10 Career Choices for Yahoo’s Ex-CEO Carol Bartz

Oops… You forgot it was Thursday, didn’t you? Too late, you’re here now. Time to subject yourself to another of our inane top ten lists.

Of course we couldn’t let the firing of Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz slide by without getting the top ten treatment. After all, they fired her on the telephone, then she went and showed us that she knows some words that are, er, not very polite. On top of that, she’s been willing to ignore a non-disparagement clause in her contract, possibly forfeiting over $14 million in money owed to her by Yahoo. Perhaps you can see how we might find this to be fodder for humor, no?

So, here it is, our list of the top 10 career choices for Yahoo’s ex-CEO Carol Bartz….

  1. Become CEO of Since they’ve never been very successful, they won’t be expecting much.
  2. Put her in charge of HP’s consumer PC division. They want to get rid of it anyway – maybe this will help.
  3. Become a professional drunken sailor. She’s got the vocabulary down.
  4. Do what every IT CEO does after being proved incompetent – run for public office.
  5. Two words: Roller derby.

Top 10 Things To Do With an iPhone Prototype Found Abandoned in a Bar

It’s Thursday, and around these parts that means it’s time for the Top 10 list, which means nobody nor nothing is safe.

This week it was deja vu all over again (to steal somebody else’s line) over in Cupertino town, where the Zapple… (oops, that’s a cheap wine they might not even make anymore) …the Apple folks have once again managed to misplace (that means “lose” or “leave behind”) a valuable prototype of an unreleased iPhone at a bar. Hmmm… come to think of it, maybe they are the Zapple folks after all.

Just in case you’ve been living in a cave on some remote island somewhere, the exact same thing happened a year ago in an incident that’s just now getting sorted-out in court. You tell us, doesn’t it seem that a company trying to keep its secrets secret would learn not to take those secrets into a bar? But, then again, we’re poor and they’re rich. We do understand that rich yuppies act much differently than folks like you and I.

Anyway, that got us thinking about the possible things a person might do upon finding an iPhone prototype abandoned in a bar. We wanted this to be realistic, so to put ourselves in the proper frame of mind to fully understand the mindset of your typical bar patron, we opened up a bottle of Wild Crow and then let our imaginations run away with us.

So, here it is, our list of the top 10 things to do with an iPhone prototype found in a bar….

  1. Do the right thing and return it to Apple. Then you get mad when they don’t offer you a reward and start a blog ( or something) and spend the rest of your life writing tirades against Apple.
  2. You call Gizmodo and try to sell it to them. They say no-way-Jose, been-there-done-that, we-can’t-afford-the-legal-fees, or words to that effect.
  3. After slipping it in your pocket, you take it back to your apartment. About 4 AM you’re awakened by the sound of fifteen or twenty storm troopers from the SFPD, accompanied by Steve Jobs, breaking into your apartment. After they’ve recovered their device, Jobs will erase your memory so you can’t tell anyone about the new features incorporated into the new iPhone. They’ve got a app for that.
  4. You steal it, but give it to some other bar patron after you discover it won’t play Flash videos.
  5. Although you decide to keep it and use it as your new smart phone, you discover after playing with it for about at hour that it’s nowhere near as capable as your Droid Bionic. You leave it behind at another bar.

Top 10 Reasons Why Red Hat is Moving to Downtown Raleigh

It’s Thursday, and you know what that means? Even if we can’t get Christine to wake-up long enough to write one of her articles, you can always depend on us to be here like clockwork for the Top 10 List.

A while back, Red Hat announced they might be leaving the big city of Raleigh to find a new location to continue tweaking their code. A little later, they announced they’d decided to remain in the North Carolina capital city after all – but they’d be looking for new digs since they were getting somewhat crowded at their old location. This week they announced they’d found their new home, a big ol’ office tower in Raleigh’s downtown.

Obviously, much thought went into the decisions to stay in Raleigh and in deciding where in the city to relocate. Since we’re located just up the road from them, in Winston-Salem, we were able to infiltrate their organization with one of our agents, code name Ms. Dos, who was able to discover the Top 10 reasons why Red Hat is moving to downtown Raleigh…

  1. “Fedoras and panama suits are always in style!”
  2. “Moonshine – America’s open source likker.”
  3. “That wacky way the city ignores all rules of spelling.”
  4. “How ’bout them Canes, eh?”
  5. North Carolina – if it’s good enough for FOSS Force, it’s good enough for us!”

Top 10 Announcements to Expect from HP CEO Leo Apotheker

It’s Thursday – time for another Top 10 list.

When we came up with the idea for this weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the tech world, we were afraid we’d have trouble keeping to topical subjects. Well, that hasn’t been a problem this week, as the movers and shakers of the tech world have given us enough ammunition to keep the Top 10 list going for months to come. However, one incident seemed to be particularly appropriate for us to put in the sites of our humor guns, and that was HP CEO Leo Apotheker’s wacky announcement last week that he was throwing out the baby with the wash to rebuild HP in IBM’s image, acting under the old adage that the best way to separate yourself from the crowd is to be like someone else.

This move was so brazenly weird that we decided we’re going to hear even more wild and crazy announcements from HP in the near future, so we put our brains into overtime figuring out what we might expect. Here it is, the top 10 announcements to expect from HP CEO Leo Apotheker…

  1. “Now that we’re getting out of the consumer computer business, we’re going to be offering our remaining stock of desktops for $99 at Best Buy.”
  2. “We’re now pursuing licensing WebOS to be used to power kitchen timers.”
  3. “HP is aggressively seeking more companies to purchase for too much money and then shut down without monetizing their assets in any way.”
  4. “HP will be suing Red Hat, SUSE and Ubuntu because we just discovered WebOS code in the Linux kernel.”
  5. Holy cow! I was just informed that we’re the largest vendor of PCs in the world. I had no idea. If I’d known, I’d never would’ve abandoned our computer line. What was I thinking?”

Top 10 Things to Call a Linux Distro from Microsoft

Gosh, how the time flies when you’re having fun! Here it is, Thursday again, time for another Top Ten list. By now, we fully expected that we’d have heard from David Letterman or his lawyers about this, but we’re beginning to suspect he doesn’t even know we’re here. Just in case, however, we’re keeping all of our legal answers ready.

This week, we wondering what we’d call a Linux distro from Microsoft…

  1. Seattle’s Best.
  2. Breakable Linux.
  3. The best thing Microsoft ever came up with.
  4. Open Windows.
  5. Something that will never happen.

Top 10 Things Linux Users Don’t Understand

Uh-oh, it’s Thursday and time for another Top 10 list. We still haven’t heard from Mr. Letterman’s lawyers, which means so far, so good.

A few weeks back when we did our list on the Top 10 Reasons to Switch to Windows, we were taken to task by a commenter for being too hard on the Microsofties. Well, as Three Dog Night said a long, long time ago, when it comes to Redmond, we find it “easy to be hard.” Anyway, this week, we’re taking that commenter’s advice and, in the interest of equal time, we’re going after our own kind, Penguinistas.

So, here it is, just to prove that we don’t always pick on Windows, ten things that Linux users don’t understand.

  1. “This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.”
  2. Blake Stowell.
  3. Office suite upgrade for $149 plus.
  4. The registry.
  5. Antivirus software.

Top 10 Reasons Why Larry Ellison Dislikes Red Hat

It’s Thursday, and you know what that means… Time to cover your kids’ eyes and ears – heck, time to keep them away from any online device altogether – because it’s Top 10 day. We still haven’t heard anything from David Letterman’s lawyers, so we figure he’s cool with us stealing his IP. If he sends us one of those “cease and desist” notices, we’ll just claim that the rights to the Top 10 list were given to us by NBC, who said he abandoned them when he bolted to CBS. Anyway, we’ve discovered that the list is a teeny bit funnier if you read it aloud, pretending you’re Mr. Letterman, right Paul?

  1. “JBoss, ha! iBoss, and don’t you forget it!”
  2. “They never offer me a ticket to a Wolfpack game.”
  3. Redmond/Red Hat… I don’t know, there’s something going on there, don’t you think?”
  4. “Whoever heard of a tech giant located in North Carolina? Shouldn’t they be rolling cigarettes or something?”
  5. “Wadaya mean they don’t trust our patches?”

Top 10 Reasons to Switch to Windows

Here we go again, stealing the IP of David Letterman. Actually we found some prior art on this so we think we’re okay – so we offer this week’s Top Ten list!

  1. Those nifty file extensions.
  2. The always there when you need it “control-alt-delete” function.
  3. It’ll execute any file, right out of the box, without any prompting from you!
  4. How can the company that gave us ActiveX go wrong?
  5. Buy now and they’ll throw-in antivirus and a firewall absolutely free – a $200 value!

Top 10 Things Steve Jobs Never Said

Here we go with our first ever Top 10 List. Hopefully, if David Letterman doesn’t sue us, we’ll make this a regular Thursday feature.

  1. I’m having a Big Mac attack.
  2. Now that Microsoft’s come out with the Zune we might as well hang it up.
  3. Thank you for your email suggestions on how we can redesign the iPhone to make you happier. I’ll have our R&D people get right to work on it.
  4. Our newest product should make the boys on Wall Street happy.
  5. We should’ve called it a Fig Newton.
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